All I want is what I can’t have it seems. I’ve put the time in and tried so many different ways of making myself happy. I know what is missing and I probably could have what I want. It just always seems when I get there I’m too put off from the bad taste I’ve left in my own mouth. Maybe it’s because I’m getting older or maybe it’s because I’m worn out. I want the attention but then don’t want it when it’s there. Maybe I gave the last of what I had to offer to the endless number of manipulative degenerates and hopeless junkies that i somehow let myself become attached to over the past 10 years and don’t actually care what im giving of myself to people nowadays. Most times I really am happy in the solitude I have created in the back of my mind that i drift off to most of the day; other times i’m scared to spend time (what i call “escaping”) in the terrifying maze i call my mind. I don’t truly trust anyone, not even the rare few that have shown nothing but genuine love and concern for me… I let those few feel like they have my trust because it IS what they deserve to get from me at least, but i will never trust a single person in my lifetime, i’ve seen too much and been let down by the ones i could have bet my life would never hurt me. Of all the people I’ve been with in the last ten years, i’ve somehow managed to keep the one that i’ve done more wrong to than i ever have right, and he’s also probably the ONLY boy or girl i’ll ever come across that loves me so passionately and will live their life soley around making me a better version of myself. I have the one i don’t deserve to be able to call mine and yet I can’t seem to stop running as far away as i can as soon as i feel myself letting my heart take over instead of my head. . I just don’t know how i can not care he’s fucking begging for me to show that i want what he fights to keep alive every day,or even to show i care if he’s happy. It doesn’t matter to me at all when my demons push themselves through, which happens too often and unexpectedly. I’m not sure how i’m still so incredible in his eyes and I am fucking terrified i’ll push until i change that. All the people I thought were such great additions in my life have just become people who came and went…They did however; destroy me and take everything i had with them when they left. That is something I am completely at peace with. I just wonder when it will happen again where I meet someone that really digs in. Someone who makes me fear nothing again. Someone who knows every which way into the darkest broken parts of my soul and without any effort brings all the parts of me that bring nothing but destruction and harm, not only to myself but to everyone who crosses my path as well. There was a time that I would have done anything. And I did anything. Stepped completely out of my comfort zone regularly. But never regretted it. I can’t seem to find out why the infatuation doesn’t end at worryless days of drug induced euporia ,or simple similarity and subconscious normalities. It’s always one Brii or the other. The sobriety is good or the sociopathic episodes are good. It hasn’t been both, the worst way always finds itself back center stage. I won’t say I haven’t been to blame. Because I know I have. I want what I am restricted from and i dont know if i’ll ever find either a happy medium between the two, or a life full of boundaries that i gratefully accept and restrict myself to.. It’s also not that I’m at a loss for choices either. They’re all there. I just don’t know who it is that would work best, or even WHAT would work best. I dont know what i want and what I have I dig into until i find a reason to be unhappy or unsatisfied. . I used to not believe people could change, only that they grow. So is it wrong to hypocritically say that i want to change and if i believed i could i might actually do it. We met, I was speechless. I couldn’t wait to see him everyday. Was happiest the day when he moved in my parents and was excited for every new thing we did together. And the sexual chemistry couldn’t have been more perfect. Or maybe it wasn’t. He did leave me for someone else… I may have been to blame but that doesnt mean it didnt fuck with my mind more than it should have. And that’s my hang up. What if the things I’d thought were perfect weren’t even close to that? What if I have no idea what it is that I want and I’ve made too many mistakes to go back? I know self doubt is a part of life. But at this point now, it seems to be too much. I’m more than afraid to put myself in that position. But I want to be there. When I meet someone I almost immediately start tearing them down. Too young, too horny, too broken, too self absorbed, too boring. Will he/she want me for this or for later? Will he/she use me like everyone else did? Am I wrong? I’m not good enough for this person. I hurt someone’s feelings recently. A couple of people really. One was a guy I probably should have never gave another chance at having part in my life, who wanted my heart but I couldn’t because I felt too much like I always have and knew id end up breaking more than on heart when it all came to an end; And another person that I gave another chance immediately without a second thought, and even though it felt good to be with him and it feels good and secure being with him, sometimes it feels like nothing i do now could ever make anything i’ve done in the past to him hurt less…sometimes i even feel like the more i try the more i see him hurt, all while pretending like he is fine and happy. And that is the problem now. I feel absolutely nothing inside of me can fix what i’ve burned and broken and torn apart inside of him.. I acknowledge its there. But I don’t see any use in any of it. The last person I slept with I couldn’t really even do it. I thrive on passion and the problem with passion is it can’t be faked. Not in the least. And when you are hurting over regrets you have that made the one you love more than anything else hurt uncontrollably it is nearly impossible to obtain any sort of passion toward anyone or even toward anything. Maybe at this point I’m just not right for anyone. It’s a safe bet, I’m just afraid to go through with it because maybe I won’t ever come back and I’ll have doomed myself to be alone and lost the one that i’m supposed to spend my life with. Lastly, I heard all the time how great I was. That I was the type of girl that people always wished they would meet, the girl every girl wishes she could even compare too. And even now. They tell me that i’m so different, unique, charming, smart, someone worth keeping around. But why is it that I’m always left behind? Doesn’t that sound like I’m not? I’ll assume it’s always been my fault. I just don’t know how.